The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me...

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

The Rainbow Connection was the first and one of the few songs I ever sang solo in front of an audience. I was in kindergarten and there was this talent show, so I signed up and sang my heart out, nervously trying to stay in tune in front of a somewhat quiet suburban audience.

A couple days ago, between coughing my lungs out and studying for my Strategic Management final exam, I mentally stumbled upon this song, humming it. It perturbed me a bit to recall my whole "I sang this song years ago" experience. I think, more than anything else, I was recollecting how my life has been since I sang that particular song. In particular, I guess what kept this song from fading away into the depths of my short-term test memory (or as Kit used to call it, "Total Recall") were the lyrics...

After thinking about it, on and off for the last few days, the lyrics of the song have a tinge of sadness coupled with hopefulness for a honest and better tomorrow. Or, the more apt term which I feel I have championed throughout my life: bleak optimism. But within this bleak optimism, even with all the hardships, the struggles, and the challenging moments in my life, I find the song becoming more relevant in an ambivalent manner.

To label me a pure dreamer is almost ironic. That would probably be the description from a person who has never received any advice from me. From the most raw, piercing truth to stinging sarcasm, I have never been always in the clouds, speaking a world that will never be outside of my own mind. I have always been a pragmatic person when it came to life. What has to be done will be done--I'm not going to wait for someone's theory to flesh itself out if something needs to happen.The only part of myself excluded from this description, this constantly dreaming, has always been my love life...While I always know (especially through experience) that love will never be perfect or without struggle, but I have always been an unrealistic romantic, in the sense that if it's true, unyielding, and honest, then it will be powerful.

The events of the last few years have dented that whole vision, though. I see from the people around me that maybe that's not necessarily true--that I am holding myself so closely to an ideal that will never come true. I think even more dangerously than that, I am waiting out the "storm" of so-so and okay people (aka "high standards") because I want whatever relationship I have to be the best it can be. I know I have drawn myself into a corner and a very lonely one at that. But, at the same time, being the pragmatic person that I am, I know that I probably will never reach my ideal, and I've been preparing myself mentally for a gradual shift away from that perspective, if that hasn't happened already. But I still hold out that I will be right in the end, like the old man at the bus station in Ghostworld.My older sister Toni asked me one time about what I felt about love, and I told her that I needed to know that it exists, and that it's possible.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.


As the old adage goes,"I'm a lover, not a fighter." To an extent, that's true. I am a lover--my biggest weakness is that I have a big heart, and a compassionate and forgiving one at that (I know that's hard to believe in some cases...). As a hopeless romantic (and sometimes, I really do mean hopeless), I usually give myself fully--when it comes to emotions. Unfortunately, that leaves me for great disappointment and hurt. Actually, usually the people who pick it up are the ones who, in the end, take advantage of that fact.

For instance, part of the reason I cannot go to some parts of George Washington University is that two years ago, after a short fight with long, bitter silences, I was crying in the car driving around the block. But even though I was emotionally distraught, I still found enough self-respect to throw out the window and found myself calling back to somewhat rationalize what happened and schedule a time to talk about it in the near future. I think the exact words I used were, "I can't believe I'm still here, but I can't go because I feel like I need to stay" (sound of doormat in the background). Fortunately, I never went back. Even with that horrible experience, I have learned and progressed so much. And because of these lessons, I can move on, even from situations like this.

So now, when I hear that song, I feel what the song is saying to me, and maybe to all of us. When I was a kindergartener singing my heart out,memorizing lyrics that I only now understand, I still look out for "rainbows"--I am hopeful and still optimistic of a better and brighter tomorrow.

Rainbows may be just "child's play" and anachronistic symbols of a forgotten childhood, but they symbolize hope..it all of its rare beauty. After the rainclouds disappear and the sun breaks through the sky, even with my bleak optimism, I know that things, in the end, will be okay.

All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name....
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.